that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
