Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
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