Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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