Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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