He is such a slut. More and more my type.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
