I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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