In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
