his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
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