new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Randomize
