I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
