Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
