Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
Michael Bay diarrhea
pop tarts are not kleenex
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
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