Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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