mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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