I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
