member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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