i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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