you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
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