Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Randomize
