I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Randomize
