K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
At what point did we cease to have vaginas?
Sometime in the sweat pants phase freshman year.
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
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