If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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