Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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