If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
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