Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
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I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
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Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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