today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
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