My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Are my feet made of real feet?
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
