Sry I called you an 8
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
