Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
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