quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
