True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
