Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
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