Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
Randomize
