tell your sister to shave her snatch
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
