So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
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