Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
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