I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
