so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
