My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
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