so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Randomize
