kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Randomize
