Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
