What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
