That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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