Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Randomize
