i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
