textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
