Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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