I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
