I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
