Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
I intend to get homeless drunk
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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