Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I have peed in a lot of sinks
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize