i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
