True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
