There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Randomize
